Well, well, well, it's been a while since I last posted. The last post was about two weeks ago. A lot has transpired since then. With each turn of our world circumstances change, don't they? How are we mere mortals to know which road to take when so many present themselves before us? I mean we aren't omniscient, so how are we to pick the correct path? What do we do when faced with a problem.

For months now, I've been faced with a terrible choice. I, as a teacher, have been forced to exercise myself from that position and take the part of a parent. That is very hard to do when the teacher in me has been such a strong part of my identity for such a long time.

Sometimes I wonder if being an English teacher makes it more difficult to be a human being. I know for those who don't teach English you may wonder what in the world I could mean. What I'm referring to is that we have at our disposal the words of all these brilliant writers to spur us on to action. We have Emerson telling us that "Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist." He goes on to tell us that good and bad are only labels and that we must follow our own hearts. His friend and colleague Henry David Thoreau tells us to "march to the beat of our own drummers." We have studied The Crucible and witnessed the power of slander and suggestion. We have also studied The Grapes of Wrath and seen how people take advantage of their fellow human beings in desperate circumstances. We have studied the horrors of WWII in books such as Hiroshima and Farewell to Manzanar. We have stood back and objectively examined the horrors of the damned human race as exposed by Mark Twain in his many novels. We have seen the demented and deformed in Flannery O'Connor, been a guest at William Faulkner's table as he exposed the downfall of the American South.

We English teachers know the depths of depravity to which man can sink. We know that all it takes for evil to prevail is for us to allow it, but we still find it difficult to speak out when we know it is right. Perhaps, I've witnessed too many fingers pointing and laying blame on others to be willing to do it myself. I am not sure. All I know is that regardless of my own faults, I think it is time that I speak out against a fellow teacher and say, "I'm so sorry, but I can no longer sit back and allow your mistakes to continue."

I feel so bad about having to speak out, but I feel I have no choice. Those of you who know what I am speaking of, please, know that I do not wish to point fingers. I know I, myself, have sinned immensely. I am speaking out now, only because I truly believe it is what I should do. What if no one ever tried to stop an injustice? You're right it would continue and most wouldn't even be aware of it.

Pray for me to have strength.

Sunshine Peeps Through the Fog

Hi, thanks for everyone's prayers. They must be helping, that and my medication I got from the doctor. I had been off my blood pressure medicine for a week, so I went to get a new prescription and broke down and cried in her office, enough to convince her that I needed something for my stress. I am not even having to take as much as she prescribed. Some days I don't need it at all. YEAH.

Anyway, Zachary's outlook is positive again. Emily's trying to walk without her crutches, but bless her heart, her knee is still obviously swollen. The doctor wants us to come back on May 5 for more x-rays. We were hoping for it all to be over by then. She's definitely going to have a hard recovery, but she seems to be growing stronger.

Thanks again, everyone. My questions haven't been answered, but I never really expected them to be. Now that I've finally voiced them, I think I can move ahead without having the answers. I sure appreciate the fact that God is slow to anger or else I'd most likely be torched by now. :)

I hope everyone is having a great week. The weekend will be here soon.

Clarification

Hi, I just had a thought that maybe my readers would assume that Emily's injury has been what has made me start questioning. I just wanted to say that isn't he case. Her injury may have emboldened me to finally share these thoughts I've been having, but they didn't cause me to have them. I do not feel like my family has experienced terrible grief. I mean we have experienced some setbacks. Zachary went through the ACL surgery and continued to play ball afterwards, but he was never able to achieve the greatness that he enjoyed on the court before the accident. Of course, our finances took a devastating blow then, so I am concerned about how Em's surgery will take its financial toll on us, coupled with Zachary's entrance into a $28,000 a year university. My husband's business burned down about 8 years ago (no insurance), but that turned out to be a relief, not a hardship. He was able to slow down and become a father instead of a workaholic. We've even lost loved ones and continued to plod along.

I am upset by Emily's injury, but I know it's not the end of the world for her. She will most likely come through this a stronger person. I know she has a lot of growing up to do. Somewhere within each of us, we have a well of strength that we don't know is there until we must send down the bucket to draw it forth.

Zachary actually is the one who got me to thinking more about my doubts. His former AG teacher, who just retired this past year, died the week after Emily's accident. His death struck Zachary hard. He just didn't understand why someone like Lee who had worked his whole life and was just able to live for himself would have it all taken from him or why Emily, whom he deems is an innocent victim, would have her whole life upended. You see, most of us can't even fathom how horrible this injury is.

Sure, there are worse things to experience, so in the scheme of things it's not that bad; however, it is not an easy path, by any means. The pain is pretty strong after the surgery. Physical therapy requires much determination and the gritting of teeth to get through it. Chances are the mental picture of what's happened to you will always be in your mind if you return to sports, suggesting to you that maybe you shouldn't run quite as hard or push yourself like you did; after all, you don't want to go through that again. Statistics tell us that girls who tear one ACL are extremely likely to tear the other. But, I think the thing that bothers Zachary the most about it all is the thought that his little sister will most likely take a back seat to those in her class as they surpass her in skill and agility.

Before his surgery, he AVERAGED 30 points a game. He dominated the court every time he stepped onto the floor on both ends. After his surgery, he was so determined to play again that he pushed himself at therapy. His therapists were very impressed with his will power and dedication. In fact, he was released early due to his hard work. He didn't get to play at the start of the season, but he came to every practice before season and was released to participate a week or two after their first game. By that time, however, the coach already had his players picked and Zachary was just an afterthought, thrown in when the coach thought about it. He was considered a risk. Everyone lost faith in him, fearing that he couldn't keep up.

It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to watch. Here was this young man who did everything right. He did what the doctor required and went the extra mile to ensure his recovery, but then he wasn't allowed to return to his former level. It would have been one thing had he not worked so hard, but it wasn't his fault. He put his all into it. After that first year, his determination make have taken a hit, but he had parents who encouraged and supported him to be strong and have faith that hard work would pay off. The coaches never looked at him the same. He was never given the chance to prove that he could do it. Yet, he stuck with it throughout his entire high school career, never giving in, but the pain and frustration was difficult to bear.

He can't bear to imagine Emily going through what he did. And, frankly, I don't know whether to push Emily to work like Zachary did. What good did his hard work do for him? I know it helped shape his character, and that's the most important outcome of any experience we have; yet, it also taught him that life is not fair and that in certain circumstances we are not the masters of our own fate. I think that's the toughest lesson is realizing that we can't control certain aspects of our lives. I had always firmly believed that hard work would be repaid with positive results. I guess I was wrong.

Maybe that's what has made me question God. Not the fact that this happened to my children, but the fact that my childhood belief system was incorrect. I have believed in God my entire life, never questioning, so perhaps that belief system was incorrect, too.

After Lee's death, Zachary confided in us that he was having trouble seeing the reason in life. He felt that it was all meaningless. In 100 years, who will care that he is Valedictorian of his senior class? What will all his struggles amount to? Why does God allow us to continue in suffering? Why not just take us all home to Heaven? What is his purpose in letting evil rule the world? I quickly regurgitated all the answers I'd been told all my life, hoping that he wouldn't have to experience the horror of lost faith. For it has served me well my whole life, compelling me forward when I wanted to stop. I don't want him to go through what I'm going through now.

He seems to be okay now, but I'm not so easy to convince. I feel like maybe it's wrong for me to expose these ideas of mine. I don't want to be responsible for causing anyone to doubt. I feel so bad because Juanita said that her heart ached for my loss of faith. I didn't mean to cause anyone pain. I just need to get all this out. I've kept it in for so long. I know that writing can help you see things more clearly. I'm hoping that's what this does for me.

So, to anyone I've offended with these posts, I humbly apologize. I hope that you will forgive me and continue to pray for me. I still pray. I still read my Bible. I haven't let go, yet. I'm still holding on.

More questions

Please, bear with me while I ask a few more questions that are on my mind.

Why did Satan rebel? Was he bored in Heaven? Did he need a little something to spice up his days? If Heaven is all it's cracked up to be, why wasn't Satan satisfied there?

The Native Americans have a creation myth that is remarkably similar to yet entirely different than the Genesis account of creation. The Native American myth says that in the sky world, a pregnant woman with uncontrollable cravings wanted the roots of a forbidden tree (like the tree of knowledge of good and evil) and sent her husband to get them for her. Finding a hole in the floor, the husband became frightened and refused to get the roots, forcing the wife to do it herself. Somehow, the wife fell through the hole in the sky world's floor and was rescued by the birds and other animals such as a sea turtle who let her build land on his back and the muskrat who dove to the bottom of the ocean to bring up the land with him. She planted the roots she had grabbed on her way out of the sky world and from her ritualistic walking in circles, the world emerged with plant life.

She gave birth to a daughter who later bore twins, one who followed the straight path and one who followed the crooked path (Jesus and Satan).

These two men fought against each other and are responsible for making the balance in the world between carnivores and herbivores, harmful plants and medicinal plants, etc.

This Native American tale is not the only creation story other than that found in Genesis. I have labeled it a myth, but is it any more illogical than our own creation story? Isn't it simply because Genesis is what we've been taught that we believe it rather than this tale? What if we had been born into an Indian tribe? Wouldn't we believe this story?

God, where are you and what plans do you have?

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have so much more grief than others? You're human, so I'm sure you have. Lately, well not really so lately, but off and on now for about three years I've been battling a loss in faith.

The more I learn about our history, the more illogical it seems that an infallible God would plan all of the evil that exists in the world. Study history and see how men have destroyed, robbed, raped, controlled, and ruined the lives of his brothers and sisters. Reflect on the role of the church throughout history. The church supported the feudal system, telling the peasants that the pecking order was ordained by God. The church gave the lord of the manor le droit du seigneur, saying he had the first right to sleep with the bride married under his estate. The church sold penances during Chaucer's time. The church has enslaved people by instilling fear. It has supported slavery and is behind the bigotry against homosexuals that is still so rampant today. The Bible tells me that as a woman I am not fit to teach, that I should be submissive to my husband. Pick up a Mark Twain book and discover how pathetic we humans really are. Then consider the idea that we are made in God's image. What does that say about God?

You might tell yourself that God and the church are not the same. It was the people in God's church who did these evil things. But, isn't God supposed to be in control of everything? Then wouldn't He have the power to purge this evil from the world? Either He no longer cares, or He isn't the same God I've been told about all my life.

I cringe as I write this entry because I used to be one of the most firm believers I had ever come across. From my childhood I believed everything I was told. My education has told me, however, that right and wrong, good and bad, are simply labels we have placed on things to help us organize and control ourselves. This doesn't mean I have the urge to do things that I've previously considered wrong. It just means that I think these ideas have been a part of us as part of a natural order. Without these ideas, we'd be way worse than we are. Other cultures have different ideas about right and wrong. In French culture, lying is an everyday occurrence. They are not offended at all when they are called a liar. They simply shrug and say, "Isn't everybody?" Their divorce rate is way lower than ours, yet they think nothing of cheating on their spouses. In fact, they actually consider having occasional flings to be healthy for a relationship. In Middle Eastern countries women are killed if they happen to be so evil as to incite rape in a good, honest, moral man of God. Women must cover their faces. Worshippers must sacrifice themselves for their cause. Why? Because this is the way these people have been taught.

Oh, I grew up hearing and believing all the answers to questions such as I've been having. I can answer myself pretty well. The trouble is I'm not very convincing. Even as I'm regurgitating what I've been told, this little nagging thought keeps pounding at the back of my head. Don't the Muslims have reasons behind what they believe? Can't they back up their ideas with "holy scriptures" of their own?

I think the Mormons are absurd because they believe one day they'll rule a planet and be a god of that planet. I can't believe that anyone would think such a thing is true. Yet, I have always believed that God sent his son down to earth to live as a human being for a short time and then to die on the cross for our sins. I used to just accept this as what had to be in order for us to be saved, but today I think, "Okay, God, you are supposed to be omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, so why did it have to be that way? Why did you place Jesus in Mary's womb and have Him live a lowly carpenter's life just to die a horrid death on the cross? Why didn't you just make us perfect in the first place? Did you make a mistake, and if so, then you aren't perfect, and I've been taught that you are? So what is it, God? Are you there? Are you disgusted with me for doubting? Do you still have plans for us down here on earth, or have you given up on this crazy, messed up world?"

Taking a moment to share

Well, we've traveled enough to go to Okalahoma City and back in the last two days. Thursday morning we left at 6:00 to make it to Columbia for Emily's doctor's appointment. Then on the way back, the flooding forced us to take two different detours. We arrived home at 4:oo p.m.

Then Friday, we left home at 9:30 to go to St. Louis to speak with financial aide about Zachary's tuition, etc. Knowing there was a pile up on I-44 we took Highway 100 to avoid the congestion. The traffic was terrible, making us late for our 1:00 appointment. On the way home, we decided to take the intersate anyway, thinking that everyone else was taking the long way around like they did in the morning. A normally two and a half hour trip took us 4 hours, but we did get a lot of pictures and I got to read my new book, Love is in the Merde. I'd have to admit, though, that this book is pretty annoying. All the protagonist can think about is sex. I want more French culture. I'm tired of listening to him whine about his sex life.

Well, I have work to do, so I'd better go. I have found a lot of interesting people through this site. I have put their web sites on my list of interesting people. Check them out.

Surgery is in the future: Needing comfort and advice

We visited the doctor today and got our fears confirmed. She did tear her ACL. "In two pieces" was the way Doctor Thornburg put it. Her growth plates are just about closed, so they need to confer and decide if they are closed enough to go ahead with the surgery. If not, then she'll have to wait a while to let them close up more. I don't know which will be better, to have the surgery right away and deal with missing school or to wait until school is out and do it. Her basketball season starts the first week of school, at least practice does, so she'd miss less basketball if we did it sooner than later, but is that a good reason to rush the surgery?

Recovery will take 4 to 6 months. I sure hope Emily can handle this. She is a wonderful girl, but being the baby in a family with two older brothers has, I admit, spoiled her. She's used to being coddled and she doesn't handle pain very well. She won't even take a pill to make herself feel better.

Last night, she was crying uncontrollably, so I stayed up with her and helped talk her through everything. I was finally able to go to bed after midnight. Poor thing, she says her entire life is falling apart. To a seventh grader, I am sure it is. She is only 12 years old, . . . I know. I really do know that this is nothing compared to what others have to deal with. I am humbled every time I think about what my fellow teacher, Sheila Wigger, has had to endure with her youngest daughter, only two, having kidney cancer last year. All the surgeries they endured were life-threatening. Emily will be okay. She will walk and run and jump and play. We don't have to fear whether she'll survive this ordeal. We have so much to be thankful for. Yet . . . It's funny how knowing this and being completely convinced of it doesn't do much to take the edge off my emotions.

If you have any suggestions as to when we should do the surgery, now or once school is out (if we have that option), please post a comment. I'll be checking. :)