Saturday, October 18, 2008

I don't think I ever really knew God, all those years when I thought I was close to Him, when I thought I was a good strong Christian. I believed in Him because it's how I was taught to think. I never ever questioned His existence. I had been completely indoctrinated in our faith. I knew the answers to others' questions. I knew exactly where to find each verse to back up my beliefs. Most of them I had memorized. I could argue the finer points with Christians older than I. I used to think at any minute those who didn't believe would be struck down by God for their blasphemy. Johnathan Edwards would have been proud of me.

Yet, I had only believed because I was taught to believe. I had never analyzed my belief, never even examined it much less cross examined it. It has been a painful three years since I first started having doubts about my faith. When you start to doubt something that has been your foundation your whole life, it's like the whole world has turned to mush. You start to question every paradigm, every thought you've ever had.

I've come to the conclusion that life without faith isn't worth living. I will never receive answers to my questions. I will never KNOW that God exists. Yet, I know that my belief is essential to my being. Living without it is not living at all; it's merely existing without purpose.

If I ever questioned whether God truly loves me, I have concluded now that He must in order to put up with me for these many years. How many times I must have made him wince, or laugh, or cry, or turn His head in pain! Yet, He kept me around for some reason. He has been faithful to me even as I was not.

So, without the answers I was seeking, I look to God anyway. He knows the answers and I must be content to discover them one day, when it pleases Him, and not a moment sooner.